Random Horror Review : Lost Woods (2012)

Horror Sub-Genre:  Bigfoot, Aliens, Cryptids

Year:  2012

Country:  USA

Language:  English

Runtime:  88 minutes

No Tagline

Watched:  iPhone Fire TV Cast (Source:  YouTube) (it's also currently on Amazon Prime)

There aren't really an bonuses, I suppose glowing Sasquatch eyes, maybe...and there's a great "folk" song about boners sung by two guys who are pissing in the woods.  Mullet hairdos definitely don't count!!

Recommendation: Skip It!

Possible Reason Not To Watch:  ridiculous burials, bad "Clint Eastwood" ending.

[As usual, all weekly reviews contain serious spoilers]

The Relic (1997)

Yes, great way to explain why you are in a movie about weird Native South American sudden mutation mystery to a group of kids visiting a museum...."I'm an evolutionary biologist--I'm trying to figure out where our tails went."  Ha, ha (seriously).  This is another of those made of the Native monster affairs, but it amuses the hell out of me--so why not! 

This dude on the loose (via a South American tribe) here...

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Up to now, this has just been a mostly northern US and Canadian Native thing--gotta get some Mexican action in here.! [Not: that anyone should give a shit, but I've been learning the Nahuatl language--love it!!]  This came out in 1996--every horror fan out there should know that it starts out a crime film in dusty Texas and ends up a Vampire film in Mexico...with serious "Aztec" overtones--hell they could be Toltecs for all I know!  But does star Danny Trejo (cousin of director Robert Rodriguez) who is of Yaqui descent and Quentin Tarantino (who wrote the screenplay) is of Tsalagi [Cherokee ancestry--his mother if half Cherokee/Irish in ancestry)].  And, my Lordy, does the partially Arabic--but still also Mexican/Spanish--Salma Hayek do a great job of Native Mexican dressed seductive dancer!!! I mean Salma was born in a town in Veracruz called Coatzacoalcos--that ain't Spanish (but then again, it's not Totonac either....that a story for another time).  Also, just because I'm gushing on the movie from a sort of Tejana/Native view--I love Tito and Taranturla--great band!  (Because, let's fact it they are great spiders too!)  Also three characters for Cheech, from Cheech and Chong.

Man have they really junked the place up!!

Lost Tapes: Skinwalker

Dead Files: Evil Underground

Supernatural: Wendigo

This is a true, and mean Native people really believe in it too, Native American monster.  If I wasn't blogging from a "crippled house" I'd have another computer to actually put I list of some of monsters from different parts of the Americas.  This one eats people--alive.  It's generally though to be Anishanabeg (Ojibwe) legend, but it's pretty much all over Algonquin Canada and some part of the US.  Maybe I can try this next month, in the big countdown to the Great Pumpkin!

Hey, even Wendigo's need to rest sometime!

Skinwalkers (2006)

This is film that's subject line is similar to the X-Files Shapes episode.  Thought they would make a good pairing. In that they were called Manitou, in this Skinwalkers (one is Algonquin, the other Navajo). The stars a whole host of people the acting chops, including Canadian Metis Mohawk actor Tom Jackson.  I read somewhere that Jason Behr had some Ojibwe ancestry, I don't know if that's true or not, but it hardly matters--he makes one hell of a bad-ass were-wolf like shifter!  One of the three writers of the screenplay was James Roday, of the hit television show Psych, himself a Tejano.  Crappy full movie YouTube below.

X-Files: Shapes

This is more in line with a traditional Native American monster--done up X-Files style.  The epiosde is currently on Amazon Prime and can be streamed or cast from Dailymotion.  

Blood Shack

This is seriously independent film from 1971.  A young woman inherits a house--wait, sorry a "shack"--in Arizona, only problem is that it's haunted by a sort ghost--a murderous Native spirit called "The Chooper" (I can ensure you, NO Native group has a monster called The Chooper--would any culture?), in any case it's got some good slasher moments in it, but the rest is pretty silly.  What kind of ghost haunts a crappy shack anyway?  The embed below, I believe is the original length--so you won't have to endure the stupid rodeo crap that was included to make the film long enough for theater release.

Supernatural: Bugs

Thought I would follow up one non-real Native American monsters with one that is kinda semi-real.  Simple plot, a tribe is forced from their location and a tribal leader curses the land; when a bunch of Anglo land developers start a building a gated community....well people's brains getting eaten by something...starting (hint:  it's bugs-ha), of course, with the lowly workers, and working it's way up the food chain to realtors and such--the boys are on the job.  At least they get the tribe and location in Oklahoma correct and Canada's Jimmie Herman does and great turn as Joe White Tree of the Yuchi tribe.  Though they do make Sapulpa OK look like it belongs on the Navajo Rez--how in the world did they do that in a Pacific Northwest shooting location??  Below in a funny mock up on the episode well put together--it you don't like the music, watch it with the sound down.

Track Of The Moon Beast

Thought I would get "jive-turkey" movie out of the way first (hey...turkeys' are native to North America--this film is literally right at home!).  Someone smarter than me finally posted the MST3k version of the film on You Tube.  I'm too lame to watch it on any thing but a crappy DVD--I haven't got my cast stuff up yet--posting from a house that has literally lost 1/2 is electricity for some strange reason no one has figured out yet--so moving slowly.  It's got some solid made up Native lore in it (in this case Navajo)--Moon Beast is a kind of Sci-Fi/Native lore beast caused by outer space radiation.  But Professor John "Johnny Longbow" Salinas (part scientist/part tribal wisdom keeper) explains a strange beast known through petroglyphs (and, gulp, a slide show)-- that is like a small lizard like man "T-rexy" thing.  He explains this to an Anglo friend hit by a meteorite fragment....well one guess what comes next.  But just add that little extra "whatever" extra spooky ya-ya's--this has all got to happen when the moon is full!   I've blogged this some many time before--so I won't go on about the stew or the bow and arrow lessons....again!  MST3k should be absolutely hilarious!!!  Oh....one more thing, be forewarned--there's a terrible song in this that will likely get stuck in your brain--sorrrrry!  Probably the MST3k guys can help with this! [Hey just looked this up and, well they spare you the whole ordeal--embed below.)