Random Horror Movie Review: Boa vs. Python (2004)

Horror Sub-Genre: Monsters, Wildlife Gone Wrong

Year: 2004

Country: USA (um, it was filmed in Sofia, Bulgaria...

     yeah, Bulgaria as well)

Language: English

Runtime:  92 minutes

Tagline:  Two Reptilian Killing Machines Face Off To Fight To The Death--With Humanity As The Prize

Watched: via Amazon Prime

Bonus: There aren't any, sorry!

Recommendation: For David Hewlett fans only (maybe). Or for fans of cheesy CGI, you know who you are, and that's cool!

[There are spoilers...sort of, not sure this film could be "spoiled"]

To properly understand where this film fits into it's place in history, one needs to remember--even if some of us have tried to forget--that Hollywood made a number of giant snake films, starting with Anaconda in 1997, before the general sense that a silly film like this could be tossed off "for fun."  Those films "gifted" us giant snakes that do impossible things like defy their own weight and making lightening fast moves no big snake could ever pull off out of water; of course this film takes those "rules" and runs with them. To give it some credit, this was one of the first "versus" films in a LONG line of many others (at least for American markets, the Japanese, after all, invented them in the 1960's: here is one of the very first and the very best!). It is also director David Flores' freshman outing and it shows. The film is intended to be a tongue-in-cheek all out creature-feature monster mash up. Forget the snakes, it pretty much fails to even deliver a proper fight between humans. It stars Adamo Palladino billed here as Adam Kendrick (see "Friends"), Jaime (Mrs. David Boreanaz) Bergman and the above mentioned David Hewlett of Stargate series' fame (Hewlett has also appeared in other science fiction horrors of note--including: Cube and Splice, and most recently, Guillermo del Toro's The Shape of Water). He plays a good-hearted scientist who is trying to come up with a "universal anti-venom" for all venomous snake bites (a laudable concept itself more science fiction than the giant snakes). For some reason never explained, this endeavour involves working with a giant bioengineered boa constrictor. That's the general back-story. Before we get to actually meet Emmett the scientist however, we are first forced to endure Palladino's casino-owning/big game hunting character Broddrick and his cheeky girlfriend Eve (Angel Boris Reed)...who we really get to see a lot of! Next, we meet Bergman's Monica Bond, who is some sort of "dolphin scientist"--she apparently designs marine tracking implants for the water bound mammals. (The fact that I know her character's last name proves I actually watched this turkey...more than once!).  So there are our cast of characters....

Three more characters...the only one that matters is Agent Sharpe (Kirk B. R. Woller) seen just below on the right

Agent Sharpe with a cheeky-on-purpose reporter 😫 One of Sharpe's lines is...I kid you not..."This is big and big is nice!"

Then, there is this guy....who cares who he really is--his appearance is just 😧. Actually he is supposed to be an former Navy Seal or some such; he helps us viewers understand that Monica can hold her breath under water...for like A REALLY LONG TIME!

...on to the monsters. As already alluded to, Dr. Emmett works with a giant boa (who is female-by the way--and named Betty); but where does the python come from? Well, from the big game hunter of course. Broddrick has brought in a giant python for the purposes of a staged sport hunting event. Now, I have to stop here and point out just a few real world things...just two. 1) there are NO 100 foot pythons (!!); 2) I am a Floridian, I know what snake hunting in the everglades for the purposes of removing real invasion pythons from the wild looks like...almost NO ONE hunts them for sport...hell you can barely pay folks to do it! So the idea of bringing in some uber snake for sport hunting is just so ridiculous it's beyond laughter (the much more enjoyable Frankenfish, also a 2004 film, employs the same concept to better effect). Predictably, the python escapes before it even reaches it's destination, setting up the need for some sort of "official" government intervention to really "hunt" the thing. Said dolphin scientist helps snake scientist fit up the big boa with some tracking implants, and hey, presto--they are ready to hit the python trail. Meanwhile, Broddrick has decided to bring in his game hunters anyway... What could possibly go wrong? Actually, film-wise, a lot. We never get much human on human strife out this plot device, and since the film is short of decent special effects, this is pretty much the only chance the viewer has to expect a real fight. And about those hunters....

Betty getting her implants...

Anyone who has even glanced at this blog will know that I have a thing for horror vehicles, but even I nearly laughed my ass off (in an embarrassed kind of way) taking in the scene where the hunters make their appearances....oh so woofy!! It really does kind of have to seen to be believed! To make matters worse, these guys get a "hero walk." You know, The Right Stuff style (the Sharknado films do this SO much better to comic effect). And, please don't get me started on their accents....

There is not much else to really say about the film, other than it's laughably boring and incomprehensible in spots. Good example: the tossed-in scene of a couple "doing things" to each other in a car...the woman somehow mistakes a giant snake for her boyfriend's tongue--the most hard to understand part of this gratuity is that the snake apparently somehow leaves only parts of their bodies at the scene...snakes can't bite things in half...though I am quite sure some wish they could! (See act 3 for more of this sort of WTF snake voodoo). Other plot elements are so useless they don't bear mentioning. Owed to the bad CGI, there is actually precious little boa fighting python in any capacity; to spice this up a bit the screenwriters decided to introduce a girl versus boy element as well. Female boa....I mean Betty...and male python. Needless to say, this does precious little to advance the plot and literally does nothing to add to the action. It just makes things more confusing...and painfully obvious that the authors of the script write like Liv from iZombie on frat boy brains. 

Snake versus DJ!!

Gratuitous rave torching!

Despite that this is shockingly a Columbia Tri-Star production--straight to video to be sure, but still a Columbia picture--it's obvious that it was made to be shown on the Sci-Fi Channel (now Syfy). That explains it's cheesy nature; I mean, amongst other things, it's listed as a "horror comedy;" and the film was made on a shoe-string FX budget. Still, films intending to be horror comedies are not supposed to be funny because they are actually so badly written that viewers are laughing in places where comedy is not intended and cringing at the parts that are. The full film as it was shot actually contains nudity, something I am certain was NEVER actually shown on the Syfy channel at any time (George W. Bush's FCC would have been ALL over them big time!!). So, while the film is cheesy, be aware that it's not intended as some "low budget family fun." It's obvious that it was actually intended mostly to be shown as a re-run on television cut to pieces (guess the general idea was to sell you the DVD copy if you wanted to see what they cut out). All of this to simply say...this isn't really Boa versus Python, it's hacks versus decent film making.

🐍🐍🐍🐍

Random Horror Review : Lost Woods (2012)

Horror Sub-Genre:  Bigfoot, Aliens, Cryptids

Year:  2012

Country:  USA

Language:  English

Runtime:  88 minutes

No Tagline

Watched:  iPhone Fire TV Cast (Source:  YouTube) (it's also currently on Amazon Prime)

There aren't really an bonuses, I suppose glowing Sasquatch eyes, maybe...and there's a great "folk" song about boners sung by two guys who are pissing in the woods.  Mullet hairdos definitely don't count!!

Recommendation: Skip It!

Possible Reason Not To Watch:  ridiculous burials, bad "Clint Eastwood" ending.

[As usual, all weekly reviews contain serious spoilers]

Random Horror Movie Of The Week: Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 (1990)

Yes when a watery tart throws a sword...sorry chainsaw... at you, please DO NOT ignore it!  Moistened bint, my arse...this is Leatherface!!

Horror Sub-Genre:  Slasher Flick, American Gothic

Year:  1990

Country:  USA

Language: English (well there is a little gibberish)

Runtime:  81 minutes (R-Rated version) 85 minutes unrated "X" version

Tagline:  Some tales are told, then soon to be forgotten.  But a legend...is forever. (along with three other taglines that are pretty dumb)

Watched:  Streamed via Videobash

Bonus:  One kick ass custom family embossed chainsaw, Viggo Mortensen in a lady apron.

Recommendation: Yes Please!  (meaning, enthusiastically recommended)

All weekly reviews contain spoilers, and, of course, it's up to you if you choose to watch any clips.

I just nailed some bitch to a chair...time to done the apron!

I had seen this film once before in the mid 1990's during horror binge rental of endless VHS tapes (jeez, some people may not remember those!)--a quite expensive venture even for just one week!  Man did those rental places (you know the ones that no longer exist) really have a racket back then!! So I barely paid a great deal of attention to it.  Actually I had only gotten around to the Tobe Hooper sequel a couple of days before this, so I'm pretty sure I all but dismissed it at the time.  And, of course I hadn't really noticed that it was a form of remake of the original in many ways.  And, yes (!) I didn't know who the hell Viggo Mortenson was.  I did, however, know Ken Foree (every horror fan at the time knew him because of Romero's Dawn Of The Dead).  In fact, his performance is what I remembered the most.  Re-screening it after all these years I was pretty blown away with how much I really liked it.  Elements of the original were tweaked, such as Viggo being the character ("Tex" Sawyer) asking for the ride, and Mama Sawyer (Miriam Byrd-Nethery) as the character in the wheel-chair, nice touch that she has a "throat talker".  Yet another Sawyer brother as the gas station owner, who indulges in a bit of what "Tex" calls a "peek-a-boo party" with customers using the female bathroom stall.  I thought this was a fun little poke at Hitchcock's Psycho, it's Norman Bates' little hole in the wall, redneck style.  In all there are four Sawyer brothers:  Leatherface or Jr., Tinker, Eddie (who really, really wants people to call him "Tex") and Alfredo.  Now I don't know if it's just me, but what the hell kind of Texas backwoods redneck is named "Alfredo!?"  Maybe it's some sort of inside joke about The Godfather!!  And, of course, there's grandpa---there's always grandpa.  There is also Leatherface's daughter, I don't think any of us wants to speculate as to how she managed to come into the world (!), played to absolute perfection by Jennifer Banko.

In the case of Ken Foree's character Benny, it's almost as if the though it was decided to take the African American semi driver from the end of the original Chainsaw and flesh out his character to full blown rescuer with some real one line zingers along the way.  He is transformed from a concerned truck driver to a full on weekend warrior, coming from a way out in the boonies "survivalist camp" in one funky Jeep! One absolutely spot on zinger comes when he spies Leatherface through a window badly using a spelling machine, one that Mama refers to as "his lessons"--Benny's response as only Foree can deliver it, confused face and all, "what kind of sick shit is this??"

Original gif caption: "The Agony Of Defeat!"  Damn those spellcheckers!!

Kate Hodge as Michelle does an excellent turn as the scream queen in this!  The best scream, and it is awesome (!) comes when she sees her traveling companion Ryan (William Butler) hoisted up for "dressing out" and realizes, because of his wheezing, that he is still alive.  The Sawyer family realizes this as well, which brings in their invented contraption for slaughtering, because you know that whole hitting in head things is just so damn messy!  Quite the opposite from the original film, which the family laments the old days in the slaughter house when the giant hammers were used to stun steers first, not those dang air guns (you know like the one that Anton Chigurh uses in No Country For Old Men?).  Do to both the method and killer, the slaughter event in this film is not to be missed (one reason to purchase the unrated version of the film.)  Not least is Tinker's one-liner "now all we need is a mess of greens!" [Okay, I'm not trying to be morbid here, but I did notice something.  Since the original--and all the sequels after it--were famously inspired by some of real life killer Ed Gein's crimes and general weird body part "art," I can't help but point out that the "truss up" they do on Ryan is pretty damn close the way Gein trussed up the headless corpse of victim Bernice Worden (not to mention the scene at the beginning of the film, of the position of the head the police find, is very, very similar to the condition that her head was found inside Ed Gein's house. Just sayin'...)]

One issue with watching it online as I did, is that you will be watching the R-rated version, the "compromised second draft" if you will.  The film was originally slapped with an X rating by those bastards over at the MPAA due to what they considered "excessive gore;" IMDb still lists it as rated X (that's just wrong).  One scene in particular that was left in the film, was heavily cut and makes Leatherface's chainsaw murder method rather confusing (it's the murder against the tree).  I also think there was a serious cuts to Ryan's demise as well.  I'm assuming that other scenes were cut all together.  Fortunately, there is now a DVD copy for purchase that contain both versions of the film.

Eventually our weekend warrior tires of all the crazy ass shit he keeps spying through the windows and goes ballistic on everyone's ass.  With it comes one of the most excruciating close ups of the film, Michelle escaping from the chair that Tex has nailed her hands to--at least that escaped the MPAA censorship!  Benny's shoot em' up is truly a thing of beauty!  Clearly they've messed with the wrong survivalist!!!!

While Benny manages to take a whole slew of Sawyer's with his gun, some of them survive, which leads to a thoroughly hilarious (in a good way) fight between Eddie, Oh I'm sorry "Tex", and Benny that have some the best one liners of the film, with Benny screaming "What's wrong with you people?  Haven't you ever heard of pizza?"  Tex takes a swing at him and yells "I like Liver"--takes another swing at Benny--"and Onions!"  Yet another swing.  So when Benny finally gets the best of him, he yells "Toast Fuck!"  Pure awesome and underrated.  The last lines in the film, on Michelle and Benny's escape echo Tex from the beginning of the film:

Michelle:  There's roadkill all over Texas!"

Benny:  You got that right!!

Clearly the Swayer family really had it coming and fucked around with the wrong type of "meat!"

I always thought that for the most part Rob Zombie's House Of 1000 Corpses was just a really entertaining rip off of Tobe Hooper's original Texas Chainsaw Massacre from 1974--plus the Halloween Dr. Satan thing added on.  But after seeing this, I almost think it's this movie that most closely resembles it.  And don't get me wrong, I love 1000 Corpses.  Of course, I am also aware that elements of Hooper's own 1986 sequel were also utilized in the plot of Corpses and it's sequel The Devil's Rejects, not to mention Bill Moseley himself (who was in Hooper's sequel).  But the whole starting off at the gas station thing, the attempted hitchhiking, the directions, etc., much more resemble the actual beginning of Corpses (of course, I am aware Sherry Moon Zombie, as Baby, gets her ride).  Then there is the house--it looked sooo familiar, especially when those flood lights came on!  The subsequent fight between Tex and Benny; Michelle egging on Leatherface...I knew I had seen it in almost an identical state somewhere before, so I looked it up.   It was filmed on Sable Ranch in Santa Clarita, California, and while the house was featured in the pilot episode of the television series Supernatural, I knew that 's not where I was remembering it from.  But low and behold there it is five titles down on the IMDb page:  The Devil's Rejects.  Now, again, do not get me wrong here!  Those are absolutely my two favorites films of Rob Zombie's (although I will admit I haven't seen Lords Of Salem yet--waiting for a special "Music" theme Friday Fright Theme to view it).  This film I did thoroughly enjoy--love the camp and the gore, and I just ordered the unrated version (hey let's call it the rated X version after all)--so looking forward to that added 4 minutes of gore!!  I don't usually include fan generated stuff in any reviews, but since Viggo went on to be such a superstar--Jeez Aragorn for Christ's sake, couldn't resist the tribute below that I found on YouTube.

Random Horror Of The Week: Frankenhooker

Horror Sub-Genre:  Frankenstein
Year:  1990
Country:  USA
Language:  English (brief random Times Square Swedish)
Time:  85 minutes
Tagline:  None
Bonus:  Exploding Crack Smoking Prostitutes & last gasp of Gritty NYC
Watched:  Free on Hulu via IMDb
Recommendation:  Recommended for those who love low budget horror comedy, Troma Film fans, fans of Larry Cohen, true Sci-Fi nerds.
All weekly reviews contain spoilers.

The film is a "quick off production" in homage to a number of other films mostly from the 1950's & 60's.  So many parts of this film, for example, remind me of comedic in color re-imagining of The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)--only the music is better!  The basic story is the same, only told in an over-the-top silly manner.  Instead of the girlfriend being killed in a car accident, the girlfriend here, one Elizabeth Shelley (get it) gets dead via a robot lawnmower gone berserk at her father's birthday party.  Like in The Brain, the only part of her that is "salvageable" is her head.  Her fiance', one Jeffery Franken, then spirits her head away and places it in a special bath, and then goes on the search for the perfect body to which to attach the head.  If it were not for the actual Frankenstein monster element to this film, I would be inclined to call it a comedy remake of The Brain That Wouldn't Die, right down to the drugging of women to try to get them to cooperated with his plan.  That drugging by the way, goes horribly wrong--almost wonderfully wrong!  Being the mad scientist that he is, he invents a new "drive 'em crazy" crack cocaine that has very unintended consequences.

Exploding Hookers!

But, you know everything's going to be okay, because Jeffery has his own "estrogen blood serum" across the river in "Hohokam" New Jersey (looking more like the real rather idyllic Ho-Ho-Kus NJ, rather than the real Hoboken NJ--believe me I know first hand!).  This doesn't stop him from hilariously apologizing to all the dead ladies as he stuffs them into garbage bags to get them to the serum as fast as possible.  And about that name Jeffery, it may just be me, but I think it's got to be an homage to actor Jeffery Combs specifically riffing off his appearance as Herbert West in Re-Animator, right down to the colorful serum (in this case hot pink of course, because it's estrogen based). [Of course, there is also Bride Of Re-Animator--so there's that tongue in cheek, "wink-wink, nudge-nudge" reference to the super classic Bride Of Frankenstein (1935).]

When we finally get to the actual Frankenhooker part of the film--all types of hilarity ensue--with her getting loose on the streets of Manhattan screaming all sorts of stuff about johns and money in a rather robotic manner.  Though, one does have to wonder where the hell she got her Franken boots!!  This part has to be seen to be appreciated--no discription needed (though one outcome can be seen below).  Eventually, Jeffery shocks Elizabeth back to her old consciousness, only to have the tables turned on him in a twist ending--the FrankenMoster becomes the Franken Doctor!

The film was directed by cult New York independent director Frank Henenlotter who has a pretty large crowd of true devotees and "uber fans." My favorite movie of his by far, it's one of my favourite horror films period, is Basket Case. I'd only seen this film once before years ago, I didn't quite find as enjoyable on the second and third viewing recently.  In general, though his directorial output is not a long list, I haven't been as big of fan of his as I have been of Larry Cohen, or even Troma films, which are much more outrageous (to be clear, I'm a bigger fan of earlier Troma). Some of the bits that grabbed me were the blood splattered garden gnome in the aftermath of the lawnmower accident.  Also crazy funny was the news cast covering the death calling Elizabeth a "girthful finance'" and "vivacious"--saying that the lawnmower sent her personality "raining down on everyone," culminating with calling her a "tossed human salad."  And, though made in 1990--it's vibe is firmly stuck in the 1980's--my god the hair alone is scary!  On the other hand, the self trepanning that Jeffery does with a hand drill is silly--it would have been ridiculous once--but more than once, give me a break!

One the best highlights of the film for me was the appearance character actor (actress) Louise Lasser as Jeffery's mother, Mrs. Franken.  She is most well known for being in early Woody Allen films, but she has shown up in a whole host of classic television programs, had a recurring role in "Taxi" and was in the starring role "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman".  She has also shown up in other horror films, my favorite of which is The Wolves Of Wall Street (2002).  I am a fan of hers and it was a nice piece of casting.

Overall this was watchable and funny; at 85 minutes, it doesn't belabor much, though it does take longer than it really should for Frankenhooker to show up, and, in my opinion, doesn't devote nearly enough screen time to her rampaging.  I would basically say that it's "Troma Light" but it lacks the truly disgusting cheese factor that us Troma fans love, in fact from a comedic point of view, it's not disgusting at all.  But I love the New York scenery and the Jeffery Franken trolling the red light district--nice touch that!

Brain in a vat anyone!

Random Horror Movie Of The Week: Inkubus (2011)

Horror Sub-Genre:  Demons
Year:  2011
Country:  USA
Language:  English
Time:  80 min. (official), version watched 60 min
Tagline:  New Demon, New Nightmare
Conciliation Prize (in place of bonus):  Horror Icon Robert Englund 
Watched:  Streaming Cast From YouTube
Recommendation:  BLAH!
Yes there are spoilers here.

Where to start...with the likes of William Forsythe and Freddy Krueger himself-- Mr. Robert Englund, I had some hopes that this would be a passable demon flick with some geniune chills to it.  It doesn't deliver even one.  Not even the scene where the Inkubus walks into the soon to be closing police station with a severed head allows for any real shock.  

Random Horror Movie Of The Week: Doctor Vampire (Jiang shi yi sheng) 1991

Horror Sub-Genre:  Vampires

Year:  1991

Country:  Hong Kong

Language:  Cantonese

Time:  98 minutes

No Tagline

Bonus:  Kung Fu vampires

Watched:  as a recommendation from Amazon Prime

Somewhat recomened if you are a) a fan of Hong Kong action films, b) a fan of horror comedy or c) enjoy somewhat gory slapstick

Just A Few Notes

This version, courtesy of Hong Kong Retro Cinema, (which is right now viewable as part of an Amazon Prime subscription) has some English translations in applicable places, especially the opening scene, which is supposed to be set in England--though the original is completely Cantonese.  Even the non Asian actors, principally the "Master Vampire", assayed by Peter Kjaer, are originally speaking in Cantonese, making it a bit jarring when the dub drops in over their obvious Chinese lines.  But it tends to add a bit to the silly spirit of the film.

The film features genuinely funny moments and has tons of old fashioned slapstick mixed in with joke martial arts--both mimicking and making fun of the Hong Kong action genre; and the film sports few good special effects.  One, quite well done, complete with bad laser eyes that make Big Trouble In Little China seem serious, is a floating vampire effect that has some genuine creep to it.  The rest is pure Hong Kong comedy, filled with over-exaggerated kick and punch sounds.

There is very little in the way of real horror film chills and thrills, but for those who love horror comedy it might be worth a look. Those who love Hong Kong comedy, will surely find it a gem, if they haven't already discovered it.

Random Horror Movie Of The Week: A Girl Walks Home Along At Night

Horror Sub-Genre:  Vampires
Black & White
Year:  2014
Country:  USA
Language:  Persian
Time:  101 minutes
Tagline:  The Frist Iranian Vampire Western!
Bonus:  Great cat actor!
Watched:  As a recommendation from Netflix

Highly Recommended!

This is just a screen-grab gallery, because I found the movie so immediately impressive and just beautifully shot (also, I didn't have time to write a proper review [later on that score], which is very lazy of me I know!)